the dream to myself
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Shuichi and Yuki exchange words about their dreams when they first met.


**Fandom: Gravitation  
Title: the dream to myself.  
Pairing: Yuki + Shuichi  
Rating: PG  
Description: Shuichi and Yuki exchange words about their dreams when they first met.**

**Disclaimer: Gravi isn****'****t mine, but I am in love with it. It belongs to Murakami Maki-sama and I****'****m just trying to project this love of her characters onto an unworthy work for this fandom.**

**the dream to myself.  
By miyamoto yui  
**

Today, I read a bit of my sister's novel. Yup, it was by that bastard that made me re-think about who I was on all levels.  
I told myself I couldn't. I told myself I shouldn't. Why? I know many people would think that. Isn't this the person you are falling in love with, despite the fact you know nothing else? And yes he is. That's why I didn't want to read it. It would tell me something that I needed to hear. And maybe I wasn't ready to hear it.

They were his words. They were his very precious words. Like my lyrics, even though I couldn't really do it as well as he did.

And then, I did read it, masochist that I am. After all, I AM a Nittle Grasper fan, aren't I?

And I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to say how happy I was. I wanted to shout how sad I was. The main character was an idiot at first, but he's so much more lovable by the end of the novel. Well, from the glance I made.

I felt like someone put into words what I couldn't figure out all this time. Sakuma sang in one song:  
"Too proud to ask for help;  
Too weak to scream 'Save me'."

My dream is too big for me. There is no one to share this feeling with. Who will understand me and what I say from my heart? "I love this so much that it isn't obsession or love anymore. It is just isn't something that's a part of me. It is more than the way I live. It is so much more."  
I say "I love" for a lot of things, but that's the strongest I can express it.

It does no justice to my feelings.

And at this time, it isn't because I'm no good with descriptions. It's because I can't. It's too much.

When I read my finished lyrics, you can't believe how happy I am, especially when they tell a story about Hiro and me intertwined into these weird words.

"That is me behind those lyrics," I say to myself. This is the truth behind all my confidence, my insecurities, my genkiness. There is a happiness and sadness that's so mixed that I can't see through it. They go together and can't be torn apart.  
But in this world of music, I feel alive, loved, and admired. It is in this realm that I can forget that I'm this flawed human being. I am not as deficient as I know I am. Even if people who hear me don't know me, and I don't know them, I am able to speak to them. And, someone is taking their time to hear me.

Someone wants to hear what I have to say about the world…

Because I never see myself as important. I fulfill my basic needs, but I never seem to really think of myself. It isn't that I want attention or pity or anything of that pathetic sort, I just forget. No matter how far I've come, I still feel this way. Who would want to love someone like this?

That's why I got scared of being too close to Hiro. He's the best friend that anyone would love to have, but what would he do if I showed him more of myself? Would he find me so disgusting?

Would he give up on me too?

So, the only person who can accept me? Only myself, distorted and broken as I am, I take these pieces of myself and still carry on.

People like things all right, but how many can say 'love' to the point of bursting? If I say I'm in love with you, I mean I am falling more and more into your character. I love the way you are. I am so fascinated that I don't mind spending my whole lifetime telling you how wonderful you are. Does this mean that this feeling is wrong?

Is it so wrong because I'm not old enough? Not experienced enough? Not cute or handsome enough? Not talented enough for your taste? What does it take to get to you?

So one can imagine when he told me, "Zero talent."  
He knew nothing about me…or so he thought. Maybe he would know if he heard all the songs.

That's all you need to know about me. I bare myself to everyone and that is all right with me. That is how I am.

But when he told me "Zero talent", I didn't care about his opinion, I was mad that he outright rejected me as a person. And now, even though I am mad, I'm falling in love with him more and more.

As when I first listened to L'arc En Ciel's 'Niji', even though I was not as big a fan as with Nittle Grasper, I've always admired and respected this group, especially the way Hyde-san sang. For some reason, whenever I hear 'Niji', I think, "I don't know why, but only Hyde-san is the only one who can sing this.  
No one else. The feelings wouldn't be the same. It was made for him and him alone."

Someday, I hope to admired that way. That's why I love that bastard. It's beside being stoic, handsome, or cool, it's someone who's inspirational. I want someone whom I can grow and learn with and the other way around. I think that is more important than being cared for.  
I don't want to be pampered, but it's nice to be appreciated once in a while instead of being taken advantage of or taken for granted. And yet, I am still too giving, hoping that someday, someone will do that will for me too.

That's how I stay positive and walk towards my dream.

And yet, it is still too big for me. My blue blanket isn't mine and I'm falling with nothing else to save me.

And yet, he is still there deep inside of me; a part of the pillar of my strength. Even though he doesn't know it. I am grateful to live in this wonderful, cruel world.

Just thinking about it makes me warm inside.  
**  
*/*/*/*/*/**

He laughed at his own writing. He had forgotten that he had written such a thing. It almost sounded like it wasn't him.  
As he stood in the middle of the living room, because he stopped pacing, his lover came out of his office and stood in the hallway with a strange expression on his face. Quietly, he snuck up on the pink-haired punk that had been living with him for years now.  
The singer of Bad Luck didn't know the romance novelist was behind him. His eyes peered over the paper, but he didn't get very far as the younger man pulled it back out of surprise. He turned around immediately and began to hide it behind him.

"You're not hiding anything from me?" Then, the blond man smirked. "More horrible lyrics?"  
Cringing his nose, the genki ball stuck out his tongue at him. "This is embarrassing. Don't read it. It's so dumb-"

But it was too late, the novelist was in editor mode. He had taken the paper and was reading it for himself.

While his lover protested, he wrapped his arms around him and kissed his forehead. "So this is what you thought of me?"  
The idol was so embarrassed he was blushing red, not protesting against anything anymore. He always loved the way his partner felt whenever he touched him. "Of course I thought that way," he answered with a small pout.

"Your dream was too big?" the blond one chuckled, smiling at bit to himself.  
He had changed so much since the first time they met. They both had.

"Yeah, it was too much! How old was I? I was only in high school-Hey!"

It was then that Yuki lifted him over his shoulder and still held the letter in one hand, reading it over one more time.

"YUUUKKKIIIII~!" he shouted, still resenting the fact that he could never really fight back in any situation. Well, he had defined that the first time they kissed and didn't say anything…

"Shu, you never really change. It takes you longer than most people," he commented with a deadpan face as he made his way into the bedroom with Shuichi pouting on his shoulder.

"Hmph~!" Shuichi crossed his arms.

"Hey~! I'm not as young as I used to be for you to just throw me!" Shuichi scolded as he laid on the bed, spread out with Yuki standing over him.

Yuki leaned down and smiled down at him. He shook his head. "My dream was loud. Very loud."

At that, Shuichi's eyes opened wide as his mouth closed shut. They stared at one another.

Then, Shuichi lifted up his hands to undo the button's of baby blue shirt. "Bastard."  
"I just tell the truth, even though some people don't like to hear it."  
"So that's your argument about calling me 'Zero Talent'? Well, what do you say now to that I've got this really hot romance novelist in love with me, a successful band, and the admiration of my idol?"  
"I was only talking about the lyrics."  
"But the lyrics are a part of me."

"A part. But I wanted everything else…  
Everything else with it."

Yuki thought of the end of the whole letter and kept this in mind as he began to undress Shuichi,

"Destiny isn't written.  
I make up reality as I go along.

In this world, I walk the path that I'm making for myself.  
Even if I am by myself, even if I don't know if I'll survive, I must walk it.  
It's because I made it.

But I want him to be there along the way.  
No matter what, I want him there.  
No matter what I have to do  
and where I have to go.  
Because I know he'll know where I truly am. Where I  
am going and where I came from.

He'll know where to find me.

He sees the 'me' I can't see yet.  
And that is what I call 'the future'."

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** This was meant to be sweet and brief. It was just my self-reflection upon reading more Gravi today. ;_; God, I love this title. It makes me fall more and more into it. And I wanted to cry because through the manga, I felt like Shuichi said all the things I didn't know how to say anyone. They were deep inside of my heart and so I try my best to share them with you. Feelings that stem deeper than all the Ryuichi, Subaru, or unrequited love fics…

**May 5, 2004**


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